I have tried 3 times to write this blog post. What can I say? Andrew has come a long way since his original diagnosis but has a very very long way to go. He is on day 23of his marathon back to wholeness. I am navigating a new way of relating to him as we figure out the nature of his brain injury.
Sarah is still experiencing complications from the appendicitis and is still in the hospital. She is on day 15. They have changed the antibiotic again as they have found e-coli that is resistant to the previous one. She was supposed to be home today but that has been put off. Her lungs are still an issue as well as her body is becoming malnourished due to her inability to eat properly.
I am not sure one moment to the next if I will be able to keep moving forward but so far I have found the strength to do so. Some moments, I am filled with gratitude and others, I am frustrated beyond comprehension. I am not sure where I thought I would be at this point in the journey so I can't really be disappointed in the progress. Still, I would rather not be on this road at all.
I can't say I am any closer to the Lord...but I am not farther away, either. I do think, however, He is closer to me. Does that even make sense? But that's how it feels. I haven't made any attempts to figure out His Purpose or His Plan. I know He must have one but it doesn't matter to me right now. If He chooses to let me in on it, I will be grateful but I don't have the energy or emotional fortitude to go there any time soon.
This post didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I had hoped that by the end of it I would have come to some "happy" conclusion. Instead, it turned out to be a little more honest than I had intended.
If you have stuck with me this far, thank you. Things will get cheerier, I promise.
4 comments:
I am praying for your emotional fortitude and your physical health. Don't worry about the plan. God knows it, keep on walking... He'll get you there. I am also praying for the strides and miracles Andrew and Sarah have to make. His story is going to be amazing!! They will be powerful instruments to tell that story!! I love you, Deb. Though we hardly know each other. I always thought you were an amazing woman. I learned a lot any time we spoke and shared. It is my honor to stand behind you. Cheery can come later. :)
I'll take real messy over false happy any day.
I love you.
This is one of those times when there is only one set of footprints - He'll keep carrying you as long as you need it, and we'll keep praying for you all.
Lots of love.
You know, I never look for happy when I can see real. You are real. I love your raw honesty - your journey is not easy and you don't know why you're on it. I get that - cause I don't have the answers either. I think the real testiment to who you are is your statement "I am not sure one moment to the next if I will be able to keep moving forward but so far I have found the strength to do so." All you can do is take the one step in front of you - just that one - and then the next one - and then the next.
On the Pray for Andrew Carpenter Facebook page someone said early into this journey that right now, there are only one set of footprints in the sand....maybe you don't even need to be doing that step - maybe just rest and let him carry you.
Like I said - I have no answers - but I want you to know that you are way tougher than you think and you WILL survive. And not only that, someday, as a result of all of this - you WILL thrive. I believe that.
Blessings dear daughter of the great and mighty I Am.
Frieda
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