Day 23

I have tried 3 times to write this blog post. What can I say? Andrew has come a long way since his original diagnosis but has a very very long way to go. He is on day 23of his marathon back to wholeness. I am navigating a new way of relating to him as we figure out the nature of his brain injury.

Sarah is still experiencing complications from the appendicitis and is still in the hospital. She is on day 15. They have changed the antibiotic again as they have found e-coli that is resistant to the previous one. She was supposed to be home today but that has been put off. Her lungs are still an issue as well as her body is becoming malnourished due to her inability to eat properly.

I am not sure one moment to the next if I will be able to keep moving forward but so far I have found the strength to do so. Some moments, I am filled with gratitude and others, I am frustrated beyond comprehension. I am not sure where I thought I would be at this point in the journey so I can't really be disappointed in the progress. Still, I would rather not be on this road at all.

I can't say I am any closer to the Lord...but I am not farther away, either. I do think, however, He is closer to me. Does that even make sense? But that's how it feels. I haven't made any attempts to figure out His Purpose or His Plan. I know He must have one but it doesn't matter to me right now. If He chooses to let me in on it, I will be grateful but I don't have the energy or emotional fortitude to go there any time soon.

This post didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I had hoped that by the end of it I would have come to some "happy" conclusion. Instead, it turned out to be a little more honest than I had intended.

If you have stuck with me this far, thank you. Things will get cheerier, I promise.

On the morning of May 29th, My husband kissed me good-bye and headed out to an early morning fund raiser for a local charity in Red Deer. The weather was snowy and wet, not uncommon in Central Alberta as winter, spring and summer clash daily trying to claim as many days for their season that year. Alberta's winter is never a gracious looser to Summer, while Spring is the classic middle child - often overlooked and perhaps either too insecure about her place in the world or too uninterested to join the fight.

On this day however, my husband became the victim of the battle of the seasons. An oncoming truck lost control on the slushy roads and hit my husband's truck. My husband just happened to be talking to his brother(on his hands-free cell)so my brother-in-law heard him cry out. Jim immediately called me to tell me something was wrong. I jumped in my vehicle to find the accident. In my mind I expected to find Andrew exchanging information with another driver or maybe talking with police about what had happened.

Instead, I found him still inside his mangled 1 tonne Dodge Diesel while firemen were trying to cut him out. I tried to get to Andrew but a VERY big fireman stopped me. He said he didn't know anything about his "condition" but I should wait in my truck. I obeyed. I sat in my vehicle and watched as they cut the door off and then covered Andrew with a silver emergency blanket. They then began the process of using hydrolic hooks to pull the cab apart.

Finally a police officer came and told me that Andrew was alive and that I should go to the hospital and wait...

I obeyed...

I got to see Andrew briefly at the Red Deer hospital. They were getting ready to send him to Calgary. STARS Air Ambulance was not an option as the weather was too bad. But not to worry...a ground ambulance driving with lights and sirens would have the same turn around time...

His injuries were extensive. Both arms and both legs where broken and would require a 5 hour surgery to repair with rods, pins and plates. He had a skull fracture and 2 bleeds in his brain. Neurology in Calgary would be best able to deal with him. He had lost conscienceness and had been intibated.

5 days later, on June 3rd, I sat in the ICU family room and heard the doctor tell me and my family that my precious husband had a Moderate Traumatic Brian Injury. Diffuse Axonal injuries from the "rapid deceleration" of his brain on impact, as well as Fatty Embolisms from the bone breaks. (You can google those...)

This would have been enough to deal with...except on June 5th, my 15 year old daughter was rushed into emergency surgery with a ruptured appendix. I left my husband's side in Calgary to be with Sarah in Red Deer.

She already had 3 abcesses. In the following week, she has developed pneumonia and several more abcesses and she is still in the hospital in Red Deer. She is having her lung drained today in an attempt to reinflate a portion that has collapsed.

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I haven't processed much yet in a meanful way. I want desperately for this not to be my life. I have absolutely no idea what tomorrow holds. I want to scream and yell and punch and kick - or just lay down and not get up again. Of course, these are not options for a "victorious woman of God". Whatever THAT means...

But I do know one thing. Beyond a shadow of a doubt...no matter what I think He is trying to "accomplish" in my life and how I feel about it...

I have a God who sees me.

And for now? That is enough.